Common Sense Ideas for Becoming the Career Star You Are Meant to Be

Today is Friday, so this post is on interpersonal competence.

As this is a career blog, I keep it apolitical.  However, I have been reading Senator Barack Obama’s book, The Audacity of Hope, and I found some of his words on empathy to be directly applicable to interpersonal competence. 

Paul Simon, the deceased former US senator (not the musician), was one of Senator Obama’s friends and role models.  In writing about Senator Simon, Senator Obama says:

• “That last aspect of Paul’s character – a sense of empathy – is one that I find myself appreciating more and more as I get older.  It is the heart of the golden rule – not simply as a call to sympathy or charity, but as something more demanding, a call to stand in somebody else’s shoes and see through their eyes.”

I agree with Senator Obama here.  Sympathy and charity are somewhat easy.  Empathy can be tough.  It’s tough to see the world through the eyes of a boss who you think is a bully.  It’s tough to see the world through the eyes of a co worker you think is overly ambitious.  It’s tough to see the world through the eyes of a difficult customer, or someone you see as a non responsive service provider.

Yet, that’s why empathy is so important.  The more you can see the world through the eyes of someone with whom you disagree, the more likely you are to be able to work productively with that person. 

As he is discussing empathy, Senator Obama tells a story about living with his grandparents when he was in high school:

• “My grandfather bore the brunt of much of my adolescent rebellion.  He himself was not always easy to get along with; he was at once warmhearted and quick to anger, and in part because his career had not particularly successful, his feelings could also be easily bruised.  By the time I was 16, we were arguing all the time…With a certain talent for rhetoric; as well as an absolute certainty about the merits of my own views, I found that I could generally win these arguments, in the narrow sense of leaving my grandfather flustered, angry and sounding unreasonable.  But at some point, such victories started to feel less satisfying.  I started thinking about the struggles and disappointments he had seen in his life.  I started to appreciate his need to feel respected in his own home.  I realized that abiding by his rules would cost me little, but to him it would mean a lot.  I recognized that sometimes he really did have a point, and that in insisting on getting my own way all the time, without regard for his feelings or needs, I was in some way diminishing myself.”

Senator Obama goes on to say “there’s nothing extraordinary about such an awakening”.  I’m not so sure about that – especially in one so young.

The point here is that Senator Obama has provided a real world view of empathy in action.  It’s easy to say, “show a little empathy”.  It’s difficult to actually do so.  Empathy for people who you like, and with whom you agree is easy.  It’s much more difficult to show empathy for people on the other side of things. 

But, working hard to understand other people’s side of things – their experiences and  world view -- will make you better able to build effective relationships.  All interpersonally competent people are good at building, nurturing and maintaining strong, mutually beneficial relationships with the people around them.  Empathy is an important component of relationship building.

One last point about empathy.  This one was driven home by my friend, Don Nelson, retired Senior VP of HR for Pfizer Pharmaceuticals.  One day, a person’s name came up during a conversation we were having.  I didn’t particularly like this person and said so.  With a smile on his face, Don said, “he speaks highly of you too”. 

This little interaction taught me a few things.  1) Don wasn’t interested in listening to me poor mouth someone we knew in common; and more importantly 2) I realized that there are two sides to every conflict.  I may not have liked the person in question, but I was still surprised to think of things from his perspective and realize that he didn’t like me either.  I decided to get to know this other person better.  When I did, I realized that he was a pretty good guy.  I was letting first impressions stand in the way of a friendship.

The common point here: work hard at understanding other people and their point of view.  If you do, you’ll be better able to build strong, lasting mutually beneficial relationships – and become an interpersonally competent person.

That’s it for today.  Thanks for reading.  Log on to my website www.BudBilanich.com for more common sense.  Check out my other blogs: www.CareerSuperStar.com for common sense advice on becoming the life and career star you are meant to be; and www.CommonSenseDay.com to learn more about Use Your Common Sense Day -- November 4, and to read stories of common sense in action.

I’ll see you around the web, and at Alex’s Lemonade Stand.

Bud

PS: Speaking of Alex’s Lemonade Stand – my fundraising page is still open.  Please go to www.FirstGiving.com/TheCommonSenseGuy to read Alex’s inspiring story and to donate if you can.