Today is Friday, that means this post is on Interpersonal Competence.
No matter how interpersonally competent you are, you will occasionally find yourself in a conflict situation. When you do, it’s a good idea to “fight fair”. In this way, you will do the minimal amount of damage to the relationship you have with the person with whom you are in conflict.
The other day, I came across an interesting blog post by Darren Rowse, entitled Rules for Fighting Fair. These rules were developed by a marriage counselor. I’ve taken them and put them into a more generic business context.
Rules for Fighting Fair
- Know what you’re fighting about. Be clear on the point of disagreement.
- Stay focused. Stick to one subject only. Don’t let the conversation deteriorate to a laundry list of grievances you have with one another.
- Be direct - say how you feel about the situation and what you want from the other person.
- Choose the time of your battles carefully. Avoid beginning conversations that can lead to serious disagreements when you won’t have the time to finish them.
- Be discreet. It’s never a good idea to argue or fight in public. Keep your disagreements private.
- Listen to what the other person says and respond accordingly. Avoid filtering information. Don’t try to read the other person’s mind.
- On the other hand, be clear with what you think. Express your thoughts clearly. Don’t expect the other person to read your mind.
- Acknowledge your share of the blame for the situation. Don’t put all of the blame the other person.
- Own your own feelings - this means starting sentences with ‘I feel’, not “you make me feel”.
- Speak respectfully to the other person. Don’t put him or her down.
- Take the high ground. Don’t hit below the belt.
- On the other hand, don’t wear your belt too high – don’t be overly sensitive.
- Stin the present. Don’t bring up past disagreements and use them as ammunition for the present one.
- Listen actively.
- Never let an argument deteriorate to the point of physical violence.
These are 15 good, common sense ideas about how to handle yourself in a conflict situation. Learn and use them, and you’ll become more interpersonally competent.
That’s it for today. Thanks for reading. Log on to my other blogs: www.CommonSenseGuy.com for common sense advice on leading people and running a business, and www.CommonSenseDay.com to learn more about Use Your Common Sense Day -- November 4, and to read stories of common sense in action; and my website www.BudBilanich.com for more common sense.
I’ll see you around the web, and at Alex’s Lemonade Stand.
Bud
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Great post as always - a marriage counselour as a source is novel but I suppose alot of wisdom can be had from that field. (I am not married so I could be on thin ice here.)
Interpersonal competence (or people skills, social intelligence etc.) is a very broad term that also covers or relates to, alot of other personal skills (That is why it is so important!). In relation to the post it would not be hard to argue that in order to make the best use of the advice you need to be able to make decisions (fast) based on how you read the situation.
I think being able to make a decision is a very important skill for all leaders. The 1/2006 issue of Harvard Business Review focuses on decision-making and its impact or lack of same through-out any organisation. I would like to promote a quote presented on p.57:
"A good decision executed quickly beats a brilliant decision implemented slowly".
I think this is great advice, and I think most people tend to forget that execution is just as important to your interpersonal competence as it is to your organisation as a whole (I know I sometimes do).
So, to stay with the fighting fair analogy - Have that quote in mind before stepping into the ring :)
Posted by: Per Wendelboe | September 24, 2006 11:52 AM | Permalink to Comment